Sunday, February 3

I'll be happy when...

Now that we have been on the waiting list for a little over a month, I have found myself really struggling in the area of contentment. Throughout the adoption process, everyone has told us that the waiting is by far the most difficult part. Now I am starting to believe it. I have been re-reading a book by Linda Dillow called Calm My Anxious Heart and I came across this insightful poem written by a fourteen year old boy. This was such an accurate depiction of my life sometimes, so I thought I would share it. Perhaps you can relate to this.

“It was spring but it was summer I wanted; the warm days and the great outdoors.
It was summer bur it was fall I wanted; the colorful leaves and the cool dry air.
It was fall but it was winter I wanted; the beautiful snow and the joy of the holiday season.
It was now winter but it was spring I wanted; the warmth and the blossoming of nature.
I was a child but it was adulthood I wanted; the freedom and the respect.
I was twenty but it was thirty I wanted; to be mature and sophisticated.
I was middle-aged but it was twenty I wanted; the youth and the free spirit.
I was retired but it was middle-age that I wanted; the presence of mind without limitations.
My life was over but I never got what I wanted.”

Living in Seattle, it is especially easy to wish the long dark winters away. But then when it starts to warm up I start hoping that it won’t get too hot. On those two days out of the year when it does get into the high 80‘s, I find myself wondering if I will survive the stifling heat until things start to cool off. On and on it goes.

During the adoption process, I have found myself anticipating that I would be content once we were finished with each step. I thought once we completed all the trainings I would be able to relax. Then I thought I would be happy when we finished the interviews. This continued throughout the proceedings with each of the three home studies, completing the mounds of paperwork and finishing our picture profile. After each step, there were a few brief moments of relief, but then I immediately switched back into my old mindset of thinking I would be content upon completion of yet another step. Now all of this is behind us and we are just…waiting.

In waiting for the next season to emerge, I am painfully aware of how much time and energy I spend not living in the present. As I write this, I am thinking of some amazing moments I have spent just over this past week where I was able to enjoy time with friends and family. I loved the times when I allowed myself to relish the beauty of those moments. By wishing this time away, it would be easy to take these days for granted. One day I just might look back fondly on the times when I could just curl up on the couch with my cat and a good book.

2 comments:

Mom said...

Dear Darlene,
What a blessing your writing has been to Dad and me. You are a gifted writer and it has been a joy to see God work in your life and watch you grow through this adoption process. We love you.Mom

Lisa said...

You are describing me perfectly.

Happy Birthday to you!

Maui

Maui
flower

Memories

Italy trip

I have been going through my pictures, and have enjoyed looking at this album of Italy. I was able to go over last year to attend a conference. This was the first time I have been back in twenty years. The pictures are made up mostly of places we lived as a family. My brother and I were able to go together, and we were graciously hosted by some friends of ours from language school in Perugia. I feel such a sense of nostalgia when I look at these pictures. I miss Italy so much. It was strange to go back as a tourist knowing I would be returning to the US after such a short time. Tonight I made cookies with Nutella in them, and I remembered how much I enjoyed the simple pleasures. Fortunately, you can find it here! Saturday, we are going up to my brother's house to celebrate a late Thanksgiving, only we will be making homemade tortellini instead of turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!