Saturday, June 19

What's next...

Several months ago, we experienced two more failed adoptions.  I am not sure how many that totals for us, but  it has been difficult once again to deal with them.  Each one left us wondering if and when something was ever going to happen. Every time we are "denied" the opportunity to become parents, there is a deep sense of loss that must be grieved. One would think we would get used to it, but that is not how it works.

As a result, I have been drawn to books that have to do with grief and loss.  In a book by Jerry Sittser called A Grace Disguised; how the soul grows through grief and loss, he pointed out many things that resonated with me.

I try to avoid quoting too much,  however Sittser's words echoed my own feelings on the topic.  He addressed sorrow, and said that when sorrow is deep, it is a sign of a healthy soul, not a sick soul.  It is not something to escape but something to embrace.  Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."   Sorrow indicates that people who have suffered loss are living authentically in a world of misery, and it expresses the emotional anguish of people who feel pain for themselves and for others.  Sorrow is noble and gracious.  It enlarges the soul until the the soul is capable of mourning and rejoicing simultaneously, of feeling the world's pain and hoping for the world's healing at the same time.  However painful, sorrow is good for the soul."

He went on to say that "deep sorrow often has the effect of stripping life of pretense, vanity and waste."  I have found this to be the case in my experience.  Friends and family have become more important to me, and I have become different in many ways.  Still, having said that, I battle waves of deep sadness when I attempt to figure out what is next, and what my purpose will be in life if we do not have children.

My life has revolved around the deep desire to be a mother.  Anything less would have seemed unthinkable to me, and yet we have been moving in a direction that is contrary to that statement.  The "nursery" is still an office, we are in the market for a sedan after driving a minivan for 12 years, and we haven't  discussed the topic of children that often.

The book I mentioned reminded me that everyone suffers loss in life.  Everyone has the choice of whether they will embrace it or try to escape it.  During this extended time of limbo, I have been trying to understand how sorrow can be both noble and gracious as the author described.  It is true that when you go through something painful, it becomes easy to empathize with others who hurt.  It is a gift to be able to sit down with a friend and feel their pain, even if what you have gone through is completely different.

Having said that, I still hold out that in God's time we will become parents. Sorrow doesn't feel that good to me now, but who ever said it would? My hope is that my pain and sorrow will not be wasted, and that if things eventually turn out the way we hope, I will not forget the journey, as well as those who made it manageable for me because of their life experiences.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your heart, my friend!
BTW....any biscotti left over??
: ) Kim

Darlene said...

No biscotti left over, but I will make sure to make some more before I see you next time!!

:) Darlene




Italy trip

I have been going through my pictures, and have enjoyed looking at this album of Italy. I was able to go over last year to attend a conference. This was the first time I have been back in twenty years. The pictures are made up mostly of places we lived as a family. My brother and I were able to go together, and we were graciously hosted by some friends of ours from language school in Perugia. I feel such a sense of nostalgia when I look at these pictures. I miss Italy so much. It was strange to go back as a tourist knowing I would be returning to the US after such a short time. Tonight I made cookies with Nutella in them, and I remembered how much I enjoyed the simple pleasures. Fortunately, you can find it here! Saturday, we are going up to my brother's house to celebrate a late Thanksgiving, only we will be making homemade tortellini instead of turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!