I thought of picking up where I left off in my last post, but since I only have a short time to write while my son is sleeping, I can't fill in every detail, so I will start with today.
Today I have been thinking a lot about Father's Day. When I woke up, I realized it was Wednesday, and I only had a few more days to mail my Dad a card, I felt a bit panicked. My family knows I am notoriously late at sending cards. In fact, I usually just stock up on belated Birthday cards instead of regular ones. Unfortunately, they don't make belated Father's Day cards.
Besides feeling panicked, I felt guilty that I have not thought about a perfect surprise, or planned something special for him. He is in Florida and we are in Washington, so I should have already had a plan. Truthfully, celebrating has not been on my mind lately.
My Dad was just diagnosed with metastatic melanoma, and the doctors give him up to a year to live. Since he had a kidney transplant several years ago, his immune system is not capable of handling chemo or radiation. There is one type of chemo he may be able to try, but it would be on a trial basis.
So, will Father's Day be a celebration or a day to grieve? How do I celebrate Brent as Justin's father while at the same time anticipating the loss of my Dad...the man I have known and loved for 41 years of my life? I think of my Mom losing the man she has been married to for almost fifty years. What card or gift can I possibly give of any significance? The thing that breaks my heart the most is that Justin will not grow up knowing his Grandpa, and learning from him as I was able to growing up.
I need to bring this to a close for now, but without putting pressure on myself, I will try to keep writing even if it is just for me.