Wednesday, June 8


There have been many times I have wanted to start a new blog that would be completely anonymous so I would be able to write my honest thoughts without wondering if I was being too transparent, or if I would offend so and so, etc...One day I might, but for now I don't have time to design a new one, and I have history with this one, so I am not ready to stop adding to it.

Over the past several years as my depression has intensified, I have struggled with feeling safe in relationships with other people.  As a result of numerous hospitalizations for my disorder, I have made many friends, and have lost my share as well.  It is difficult to be in relationships, as I wonder in the back of my mind if people will stay or leave should I have another manic episode.  These thoughts have contributed to further isolation and depression.  Today has been a good day to combat some of those feelings.

I don't usually watch TV during the day, and I especially find some of the Evangelical television to be a little off putting.  Today, however I was watching a sermon on fear, and the pastor made some really good points.  Unfortunately, my memory for detail is not that great, but the gist of what he said was that God wants us to live a life without fear, and obviously the enemy wants to plant seeds of anxiety in our minds that will keep us trapped in negative thinking.  He said each negative thought we entertain releases negative chemicals into our body, eventually causing physical illness in addition to the emotional and mental ones.  If we feed our minds thoughts that are contrary to God's truth, the result will be the opposite of how God wants us to live.  So, the challenge was to meditate on the truth of the scriptures, and to challenge what we are telling ourselves.

A little while later, I was taking Justin for a ride, which is how I get him to sleep, and was listening to a program on the radio.  The topic was disappointment in relationships.  I think the book being discussed was by Gary Smalley, and he made several good points.  The one I came away with was how so many times we place far too much pressure on people to fill the void only God can fill.  While we need relationships in our lives, we can't expect to find our identity in other people, and we must have realistic expectations, or else we set ourselves up for being hurt.  This wasn't the first time I have heard what was preached in the sermon, as well as hearing this on the radio, but it came at just the right time.  


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Italy trip

I have been going through my pictures, and have enjoyed looking at this album of Italy. I was able to go over last year to attend a conference. This was the first time I have been back in twenty years. The pictures are made up mostly of places we lived as a family. My brother and I were able to go together, and we were graciously hosted by some friends of ours from language school in Perugia. I feel such a sense of nostalgia when I look at these pictures. I miss Italy so much. It was strange to go back as a tourist knowing I would be returning to the US after such a short time. Tonight I made cookies with Nutella in them, and I remembered how much I enjoyed the simple pleasures. Fortunately, you can find it here! Saturday, we are going up to my brother's house to celebrate a late Thanksgiving, only we will be making homemade tortellini instead of turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!